Archive for February, 2009
Beginning tomorrow, I will be combining the classes for the Singles at FBC Trussville. We’re going to meet in room 208 in the CLC. This is an exciting time for our class and I beleive God is going to continue to grow our group through this.
Also, be on the lookout for our Singles Beach Retreat coming in May!
Someone recently asked me about my thoughts on marriage and what made a good marriage. When I was a single man, I determined to figure out how to figure out whom to marry. I did an informal (and unscientific) survey of those who were married a long time and happily so. I asked them what they looked for in another person and how they stayed happily married. I got a variety of answers, but three big ones emerged: God, commitment, and silliness. Here they are in reverse order.
Silliness – this means simply to remain in love with each other.
Do you remember what you did when you were young and “in-love?” Keep doing those things. Buy flowers, pick her up early at work and go for ice cream. See everyday as new and as if you had just met. Pretend you don’t know him or her and ask questions as if you had just met. Don’t get so sophisticated that you brush him off once a few years have aged him. Don’t think you have “figured” him out. The fun of in-love is in the learning of the one you love. Stay on the phone a long time and listen to her. The woman you married is the wife of your youth – love her and be always ravished with her love as Proverbs says.
When in-love, you overlook the problems the other has and the stuff they do wrong. Forget about his dirty socks. He won’t ever pick them up. Get over it. When in-love, you are more forgiving and patient, and life seems so much more sweet when you’re together. Keep that atmosphere in your marriage. Often we reduce marriage simply to this aspect of in-love and think that once it is gone that it is time to move onto someone else, but that’s a lie.
In reality, this in-love state summarizes the marital commitment to silliness. Yes, you made a commitment when you married him to always be silly in-love with him – or her. It is a decision, not necessarily a desire. But in a sense it is more than a decision. It means humbling yourself to the other and giving yourself to the other – always. Silliness is as much about humility as it is love. But it is definitely about love.
Commitment – it will take this through the long haul. Does your woman (or man) value commitment? If not then it won’t last. There will be many days that you will not feel like loving them or giving to them. But you must. So you do.
Are you committed to the family in general? Family goes deep and must be part of the overall commitment you are making. It is not just to that woman or man; it is to the entire structure of family…yes, even her mom!
But this is not just a rote commitment because we heard it in church one time. This commitment runs much deeper. I heard several older folks suggest (as Walter Wangerin, Jr. did) that we imagine our marriage as a child which is born immediately after we marry. Imagine that this marriage requires feeding, nurturing, love, rest, affection, instruction, and discipline. Marriage must be loved and nurtured or it will die. How well would your marriage survive if this were the case? Would it be a healthy, growing, productive being or would you be in jail for child neglect? Marital commitment requires more than a simple nod of the head and murmur of, “I will stay married.” It is a deeper commitment-love which requires the constant nurture and protection which is usually only afforded to children.
God – Obviously (or maybe not so obvious now-a-days), God must be at the fulcrum of the decision. Our society works overtime to remove this from the marital equation. For a marriage to last, it requires that both people give themselves to that Someone greater than themselves. Some marriages last a long time because the people are very compatible and life works okay. Some marriages last because there is some great trial in their life which forges them together. But a far greater number of marriages would last if each person gave themselves to God and his gospel. Why? Because Paul said it is the power of God. But this is a personal decision for both. Usually personal decisions for individuals lead them away from the marriage, but ironically, this personal decision leads them to each other. Each person must be given and committed to God even above each other or themselves. As each individual moves toward God, they instinctively move toward one another. A decision for and commitment to God does not remove each other from one another, it actually moves you toward each other.
These are not sophisticated, well-researched ideas, but they have served me well. If you don’t agree, then that’s fine, but my challenge to you is to develop your own list, discuss it with your spouse (if married), do your own research (if your single), and make your own decision. Oh yeah, I should have told you that 1 Corinthians 13 is the best place to start.
From Facebook…
1. I like coffee – That’s not a secret. I once wanted to open my own coffee shop. May still do it someday.
2. I discovered recently that I am more of a free-spirit in Dave-Ramsey-World. I’m okay with that…really.
3. I miss wearing flip-flops every day. At one point in time it was my goal to not where socks so that the hair on my legs would grow back. I have this “perma-sock” thing going on which really bothers me. Of course I should be more worried about my expanding gut.
4. I like old movies and new music. I hate country music.
5. I am crazy about my wife.
6. C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein bring out things in my soul that I never knew existed.
7. I want to live on the beach.
8. I like to read and write, but I’m not very good at either.
9. I was held by Atlanta PD and almost arrested at a Braves World-Series Game. You don’t want the details.
10. I was in a bus accident somewhere between Nuevo Laredo and Monterrey. Again, no details please.
11. I once exchanged some US dollars for Rubles with some Jamaican traffickers at the language school at Moscow University. That’s all you need to know.
12. I love getting into a car that has been sitting in the sun (and the inside is a little bit warm) on cold days.
13. I was a computer programmer in a former life.
14. I once saw a guy fall two stories off of a building – and he lived.
15. I tend to think too much.
16. I love my kids so much that I can’t think straight.
17. My kids are both adopted…and I have been adopted by Jesus.
18. I like Disney World. My kids have been to Disney every year since they have been with us.
19. I like to eat. Every meal Tracey and I eat out is compared to the meals from Frank Stitt, St. John’s Island, or the old Flamingo Café in Destin. It simply doesn’t get better than those.
20. I once thought about joining the Air Force. Once.
21. I once thought about going into Medicine.
22. I got an MBA thinking I would like to manage stock portfolios. I was wrong.
23. I was once in an a cappella choir and a quartet which both won first place in a high school competition.
24. I love to travel but don’t get to do as much as I want.
25. God’s patience with me is astounding.
When I was a bit younger, every once in a while my single friends and I would get the itch to go to a Karaoke Bar on the Southside. It was on Valley Avenue and it doubled as a Chinese Buffet. You either had to pay a cover charge of $5 or put down $7 for the Buffet. The food was not that great, but hey, we needed sustanence! This place really didn’t get hoppin’ until midnight (duh) and I must say that if someone wanted to do a study in American diversity and its brilliance – this was your place. There were people from all over the world in this place and most of the time I enjoyed watching people make fools of themselves. I took my turns and gave everyone else a laugh too so we were all good sports about it.
But one night there were a bunch of guys from Southeast Asia and they began singing to songs from their country. That’s all well and good but those songs are sometimes 12-15 minutes long! We all began to get antsy at these guys and the frustration was unbelievable. Some of the folks would begin booing them off and it was incredible their reactions. One night these guys from Thailand were drinking too much Tequila and they began dancing with beer bottles on their heads. He then proceeds to go up on stage to dance with the girl who was singing. Of course the girl’s boyfriend got angry and they almost got into a fight. We were not with either group, but it was kind of sobering and I don’t think we went back much after that.
I thought it was just us – or our group – or the people there. But I just found this story in Slate which describes the problems with Karaoke. Take a look at Karaoke Rage. Apparently, with the growth of American Idol and Karaoke has also seen an increase in “Karaoke Rage.” Wow. Everybody chill. It’s just bad singing…it’ll be okay.
Anyway, there’s no real point to all this other than don’t drink – and sing.
