Thoughts on life's experiences and God's nature by Robby Hyche…

This is from the book, Five Love Languages for Singles

Single Adults: Significant and Growing

If you’re reading this book, chances are you’re either single or know someone who is. More than four of every ten American adults are single–92 million americans.¹ In fact, the United States has more single adults than any other nation in the world except China and India.²

Of course, it wouldn’t be accurate to lump all single adults into the same group. There are at least five very different categories of single adults. The largest numbers of singles are those who have never been down the aisle (those to whom this book is largely directed), but the other four groups also command our attention. Here are the five groups:

1. Never married. Age eighteen and older, this group is 49 million strong.³ The median age of a first marriage has risen to twenty-five among women and twenty-seven among men. This means that, in the general population among people eighteen to twenty-four, almost four out of every five (78 percent) have never been married.⁴

2. Divorced. Today, at any one time, 10 percent of all adults are divorced.⁵ Over time, however, many more married adults suffer through a divorce. Within five years of the wedding, 20 percent of all marriages end in divorce. Within ten years, one-third of all couples will be divorced, and within fifteen years, 43 percent will be divorced.⁶

3. Separated but not divorced. These are individuals who are still legally married but no longer live under the same roof. In lifestyle they are more single than married. The separated status, however, is temporary. These individuals will either reconcile with their spouses or go on and formalize their separation by legal divorce. Research indicates that 97 percent of white women (and 75 percent of non-white women) who separate from their husbands end up divorced within five years of the separation.⁷

4. Widowed. Widowhood is definitely gender biased. Four out of five adults who are single because of the death of their spouse are females. Nearly half of all women sixty-five and older are widowed, compared to only 14 percent of men over sixty-five.⁸

5. Single parents. One hundred years ago, fewer than 1 percent of adults was a single parent of a child under eighteen. Today there are more than twelve million single parents with children under eighteen in their care–almost one out of every three families.⁹ Obviously, many single parents are also divorced. But a growing number of single parents have never been married. Among those who are single moms, 40 percent were never married to the father of their children.¹⁰ Thus a growing number of never-married singles are also single parents.

Dr. Douglas Rosenau says “It takes a mature person to understand that the emotional center of the apex is not orgasm, but a surrender to feelings and each other.”  (p.37)  The great thing about being a Single’s minister is you get to read books on sex!  Before we got married, I read a couple of books on “Circling the Wagons” (our infertility doctor had several euphemisms, this is one).  That doesn’t make me an expert but shall we say I don’t mind the topic.

Churches don’t always do a good job of talking about sex.  We tell kids “DON’T DO IT” when they have all the equipment – and desire – but then when it’s time for them to marry, sometimes we don’t give them good information on how to use their equipment.  Nor do we tell them that marriage is not just about getting personal needs met but meeting the needs of the other.  This book is not just a book about sex but about taking care of your partner and giving yourself selflessly to him or her.

This book is good information for those who are getting married.  It doesn’t matter if you have been married before and you’re going into your second (or third, or…) marriage.  You need to read this book.  As the opening quote indicates, sex is more than just getting “serviced” for your physiological needs.  Sex is about intimacy between a man and a woman in a committed, life-long marriage.

A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds is only about 120 pages, easy to read, gives tips and how-to’s, and has pictures!  But – you won’t feel like you’re reading a dirty book (I know some of you will be disappointed about that).   This book will help you achieve a lasting marriage not just through great sex (that can help) but through an ever-growing, ever-lasting intimacy.  Find it here at Amazon.

One caution – if you’re engaged, wait until a week or two before the wedding before you start reading this.

Other books?

• A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau – for those already married.  Longer with more information than the one for newlyweds.  See it at Amazon.
• Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage, Third Edition by Ed Wheat, M.D.   This book is a little more technical but sets a healthy pattern for relating to one another sexually with Scripture, fulfillment, and intimacy in mind. Here is the link for Amazon.  No, I don’t get a commission.
• The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye.  Kind of dated now, but this book helped to set the standard for Christian thinking about sex.  Again, here is the shameless link to Amazon.

Do you have a good book on marriage or sex you want to refer?

Finally, here are some last words regarding Spiritual Gifts and their use in the church.

First, resources…

• Tim LaHaye wrote a book years ago called Spirit-Controlled Temperament. That was my first introduction to this sort of topic.  Even though he does not spend much time on gifts, I find this a very helpful resource.

Please realize that sometimes studies like this can absorb more of our time than is profitable for the body of Christ.  The other area which can be unproductive is Prophecy and the End Times.  I don’t want you to be overly concerned or over-absorbed into trying to find your gift.  God gifts us in order to build up the body (as Buddy discussed Sunday) and our job is to be free and available to be used in whatever capacity God opens the door for us to serve.  The KEY is to be open to serve in ANY capacity!  God will gift you with what you need at the time (Mark 13:11).  Too many times in the past, we would pine away trying to figure out our gift and then only do what we thought that perhaps we were gifted for. That is not how it works.  God calls us and then equips us for that calling.

We must be careful that we do not make God look like us and frequently the spiritual gift inventories I have seen sound more like personality tests.  The best way we can tell that we’re working within a gift God has given is if we KNOW that we must have God working in us for that gift to really work and provide fruit.  God is the one who must give the increase, remember?  Not us.  If I can take a test and it says, “you’re good at technical stuff and being a deacon” then that doesn’t say much.  Some of that is my personality.  Please understand that our personalities, experiences, heart, and education all play into this (ala SHAPE), but don’t count out what God intends to do through you in a supernatural way.

I am not sure that the “Ministry Information” classes, spiritual gift inventories, etc. have done what they should have to increase spiritual growth and promote service in the church.  When I was on a team here at the church which tried to analyze and promote this, after about three years we sat around a table and looked at who was serving before the classes and after the classes had been in place for three years.  Do you know what we found?  Basically the same names we had when we started.  We had a hard time seeing a significant increase in the numbers or participants in ministry.

Why was that?  We had great teachers (minus myself).  We had great material (the Bible, and other spiritual gift instruments).  We had promotion and backing from the pulpit.  We had TONS of people moving through the classes.  So what gives?  Why did more people not serve?  They were armed with more information and knew how they could serve.  We could show them real, live places where they could serve but it didn’t seem to work.  Why?

I think it goes back to my first point on Monday: WE MUST BE CALLED.  Do you want to know your gift?  I am becoming more convinced that you won’t know it until you put yourself out there and say, “GOD CALL ME.”  Take a look at Isaiah 6.  Isaiah was a man of “unclean lips” (he was not fit) and lived in a land of people with unclean lips (no one else was either).  But even though God had scores of angels there in His presence, He asked, “Whom shall I send?”  Isaiah was ready to serve God.  How do I know that?  Because God took his sin away.  YOU ARE READY TO SERVE IF YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED.

Have you said, “Here am I LORD, send me?”  It’s not just for preachers anymore!

This is part two of spiritual gifts – the Information.  How can we discern our gift?

First of all PRAY.  Ask God to lead you and call you into the area He has for you (yesterday’s post).  When you sense that calling, then ask God how He has gifted you.  Then read Romans 12.  I think this passage summarizes the gifts very well (vv 6-8).  1 Corinthians 12 and Ephesians 4 have lists but what I call the “core” gifts are in Romans 12.  Permit me to summarize and ask you to begin to pray for yourself (and friend or spouse) about this.  Generally Romans 12 gives us the operative gifts, 1 Corinthians 12 gives us the administrative gifts, and Ephesians 4 gives us the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Also, this information is not all my own.  This is from many years of reading and thinking.  Tomorrow I will give some resources that have been helpful.

• Prophesying – A prophet tends to see things black and white. He is very concerned about telling the truth.  He is not so much concerned with “before-telling” (prophesy) as much as “forth-telling” (speaking the truth).  A prophet sees things clearly but needs to operate by love.  He tends to talk too much.  They also stress the need to “Know your Bible.”  I have noticed that a Prophet frequently marries a person with Mercy. Peter was probably a Prophet.  Every generation needs a prophet to bring us all back to Scripture.
• Service – A Servant tends to see needs and is quick to meet them.  My mother-in-law is a servant and instinctively knows if a person takes sugar AND cream with their coffee or how much butter you want on your bread (if any at all).  This person is quick to meet practical needs.  But they also need someone to help them know when to say “no” because they are always busy.  Andrew was probably a servant.  We have a lot of these at our church.  Just stay after a Wednesday night meal or after the Venue worship on Sundays and see who are the first ones to start picking up stuff and moving chairs.  The rest of us who don’t serve simply don’t understand that we’re supposed to be servants too!
• Teaching – A Teacher is not so much able to speak in front of people nor do they really like standing in front of people (that would be more of a prophet) but they do know where to find information and how to structure it to help folks understand things.  Teachers must get over themselves and start teaching!  Luke was a teacher.
• Encouraging – Exhorters or encourager’s can bring people together and know how to spur people onto spiritual growth and service.  This may be my gift or my secondary gift if we have a secondary gift.  Barnabas and Paul were encourager’s.  You can look at how Barnabas went to Tarsus and got Paul and brought him into the ministry (Acts 11:25,26).  You can see how Paul constantly encouraged others to “follow me as I follow Christ,” etc.  They also talk a lot.  They also need Prophets because they need to be reminded of Biblical truth and be more rooted in the Biblical perspective.  If an encourager gets out of balance, they will tend to sound “new age” or worldly in my opinion.  Many prosperity gospel preachers suffer from this I think.
• Leading – Leaders or administrators have a knack for knowing who is good at certain skills and getting people into the jobs they do best.  Nehemiah was a leader.  They like to build things and see things get done. They’re very practical and quiet and give themselves to the bigger picture without regard for personal reward.  I know my Dad is and I think Buddy is probably a leader.
• Mercy – This is the person those with emotional problems go to first.  John the Beloved was mercy.  They also gravitate toward prophets because they sense they need a prophet’s perspective.  A mercy needs a prophet or two in their lives because they also need to learn to say “no” and give themselves time to recharge.

Please understand that all the gifts should be desirable for all people because we are to be rooted and grounded in love.  All the gifts must be practiced in community in order that we might learn all the gifts and achieve balance spiritually. We are to be working to build all the gifts into our lives and learn from each other (1 Corinthians 12:31).  BUT, we will have a primary motivation or desire in some particular area.  One way to tell what you are is to imagine how you would react to someone being in the hospital… would you?

• Tell them they are in sin and need to get right with God?  Then you’re a prophet. Prophets basically mow everyone down with their Biblical Uzi and pick over the bodies later!
• Go and cut their grass, feed the dog, and get their mail? Then you’re a servant.
• Research their disease, talk with the nurses, and get the scoop from their doctor and give the patient a full report?  Then you’re probably a teacher.
• Give them a Joel Osteen devotional book, a comic book, and several Bible verses about their situation, and pray for them?  Then you may be an encourager.
• Get everyone out of the room so the person could rest, make sure the servant finished the grass, check on the doctor’s schedule, call the church to make sure the person is on the prayer list, and ask the patient if their boss had been notified (or something to that effect), then you may be a leader.
• Get down on your knees crying and begging God for the patient to be healed and bring six deacons over to pour oil on them?  Then you’re probably a mercy.

Do you see how this builds the body?!  It’s a great thing when a plan comes together.

Where are you on that list?  Do you even care?  If you don’t care, go back one step and get CALLED.  Tomorrow, the Analysis.